Sleepwalking in Tulsa

one of those posts.

2006-03-04T20:48:00.000-06:00

so, try this again. Have moved again; have not paid cell phone bill in a while, will get to that soon; do not have internet at home, can only use friend's or library access. I'm still out here somewhere. Just having a hard time getting everything lined up.

The fact that I can sit for long enough to use the computer is a great thing. The fact that I can sit and drive is also grand.
What do you take for granted? There are so many things that we can do easily, that we do all the time, that we don't think about until we can no longer do them with such ease.
Think about it:
sit
stand
walk
breathe
eat
drink
see
hear
grip small objects
eat pre-packaged food, without having to check the contents to see if some tiny ingredient will kill you
brush your hair/teeth
wipe your own ... whatever
use a phone/computer
drive
sleep

there are people -- many people -- who cannot do one or more of the above without pain, assistance, or at all. Arthritis, diabetes, allergies; panic attacks, mental disorders, birth defects, lost limbs...
How lucky are we, the relatively whole and healthy, who can do for ourselves?
How whiny, small minded, petty, are those who simply will not? Not can't, but won't.
How many people will you witness, in the next 24 hours, whining and complaining, bitching their way through life about the small things they could just cope with or do for their damn selves?
How many people will you not notice that can't quite do these same things with the same ease, but will do them just the same, struggling with some defect in the process, but still completing the action? Without the accompanying chorus of complaints.

I'm not saying that there aren't people with legitimate complaints that don't complain. There are lots, and we all know who you are, thank you very much, yes, we see you, shut up now. I'm just saying, if you can walk across the room, get a glass out of the cabinet, fill it with the beverage of your choice and drink it, all without pain or undue effort, count yourself lucky. It's the small things that count, and sometimes we forget what they really are.

2005-11-03T10:48:00.000-06:00

Will soon be on our way to KC to see the elf boy and attend our (my) very first con ever. Bought a digital camera, should have many pictures to post, somehow, as I am behind the curve again. no internet will do that, though.
So. There have been exciting things happening at work -- not in the good for business way, in the "hey look, something is on fire" kind of way. Fun. Must remember that when the guy who never hurries, (and I mean not for anything), Runs in a particular direction, I should be prepared to grab my shit and hurry in the opposite direction. Oh yes, great confusion ensued. Anyway. Must wake up boyfriend, get oil change, see piercing guy (oh, yeah, there are new piercings now; no, there will probably not be pictures, use your imaginations) pack, get lunch, pay for storage unit, see if new glasses have arrived, clean out car, wash car, leave town. Not necessarily in that order. So. Hope you all have good weekends, take care, be well, I am still working on the regular posting. Just hoping that life will settle just a little more.
Oh, and by the way -- Jess, Ninsi -- Mike and Whitney got married.

The sleeper walks

2005-10-19T05:23:00.000-05:00

And sometimes she will even get to post, now that the portal is regained.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have returned.
I see that many many things have changed in my absence, and I ask that you bear with me as I slog through the update process. Any information you can forward to me about who went where etc. would be greatly appreciated so's I can make this quicker.
However, it is now about 5:30, I still have not had my shower, and must be up earlier than usual for stupid meeting thing at work. So.

Nice to be back.

HURDLES -- #1: The Back Injury (or Where it all begins)

2005-05-23T03:13:00.000-05:00

A back injury will change a lot of things.
For me, it is things such as:

sleeping habits
eating habits
feelings about prescription drugs
the way I feel about my partner
awareness of the physical self
views on exercise and food
view of the future -- employment, education, family, retirement
financial stability (or lack thereof)

It has been recommended in a most pointed manner that I am overweight and this is unacceptable, that I must change or risk complications and further injury.

G-- D--- *&%(#!!@^&

Grr. Honestly, the reason that I am so irritated is not the fact that the surgeon told me I was fat and this was bad. It's the fact that before this injury occured, I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was fat, had been fat, and was (honestly) too friken' lazy to change it, and this might be ok because I was beautiful anyway.

And now, it's not ok. I'm still beautiful, but I am required to change under threat of future severe consequences. Dammit.

For those of you who aren't following the point of my aggravation, it is essentially that I am being forced into a position of hypocrisy, having just achieved equanimity with my situation. (I think those are the words I was looking for.) Any of you who disagree, feel free to.

I now do a small series of stretching exercises every day (twice, when I remember/have the energy/strength) .

I worked my full 40 hours last week; it kicked my ass. Not quite as bad as when I first began, not as good as the last time I did it.

I did not go back to the position I was in when I got hurt: it was a temporary positon, and apparently they have a precedent for things like this. End result: back to the trenches for me.

I am now desperately aware of how precarious my position is right now. I have no education, no long term employment experience to flaunt, no credit, no money, and the money that is coming in goes out before it actually gets in. The job, for what it is, pays reasonably well. But I'm pretty damn sure I don't want to do this same job for the next 20, 10, 5 years. If I'm still with this company in 5 years, I really hope I've got an office job. Or at least one that has a better pay scale. Or something, please God.

I was talking with the Pretzel and Goat this morning as we sat on their front porch in the beautiful morning, drinking first a bottle of red wine and then screwdrivers; we ended up talking about Purpose. And yes, I do mean the capitalized one. The one that drives you forward, gives you direction and a goal. Pretzel has one. Goat has one, maybe two.

I don't.

I am disturbed by this, for more than one reason. I have always wanted that need/want/desire to chase that dream; to have a dreamvision so strong that it pulls and propels me, shapes my path, alters my perception. I want the hooks of light that lodge in my flesh, burning as I go where they direct or as I fight against them. I want the Mettatron to announce my annointment to me as I go through my mundane life. I want my life story to be interesting, uplifting, compelling, heartwarming, all those standard blurbics -- only for real.

But I can't read the assignment. I am missing the signs, misreading the oracles. As usual, I don't know where to begin. The still small voice sounds a lot like my paranoia, and my insecurities, and therefore it is incredibly hard to tell which one I'm supposed to listen to.

O God, hear my cry: what is my purpose?

my very own crazy ass neighbors

2005-04-17T08:21:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday, I get up and put on shorts and a shirt and then think, "wait. This is Oklahoma, and just because yesterday was gorgeous doesn't mean that today will be the same. I should check the weather." And just so you know, checking the weather in my house means opening the door and looking outside, feeling the temperature, for, like, five seconds, you know? Just open the door, look out, close the door. Nothing complicated. Not even stepping out. Just looking.
So I go to the door, and I open it, and I notice the guy from the apartment next to us standing out there with his back to me, holding something. I also note that the weather is fine for shorts, being clear, sunny and warm. Having completed my five second weather check, I closed the door.
Did you follow that?
I opened the door, looked out, closed the door.
Having closed and relocked the door (habit, sometimes it just blows open if we don't) I hear the chick from next door YELL: AM I BEING TOO LOUD ON MY OWN FUCKIN' FRONT PORCH? OPEN AND CLOSE THAT DOOR AGAIN, I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!

Whuh...?

I'm standing inside my apartment, just behind my front door, trying to decide if I should open and close the door again, just because I can, or should I poke my head out and look at her, or just leave it alone. I finally decided to go and share my latest adventure from the outside world with Luigi, who always understands my bafflement at moments like this.
So I went and relayed the whole story to him, and he was just as amazed as I was. I mean, the only time we have ever knocked on their door to complain about anything was the time they woke us up because we could hear them fighting. I mean seriously. It sounded like a WWF match in their bathroom for a minute. (Their bathroom shares the wall with ours, so the bedrooms are on the outside walls of the building. So do you see, now, how much noise they had to be making to WAKE US UP?) Luigi had gotten up, and knocked on their door, in his boxers, and told them look. I don't care. It's none of my business. But it's like eight in the morning, my gf works nights, and you are really loud. Or something very close. I wasn't there. I was in the bed.
But that was when they first moved in, like a year ago or pretty close to it. So if she's still pissed off that we complained because they're having a domestic brawl that is loud enough to wake up your neighbors that are sleeping three rooms away from the fight instead of, you know, calling the police or something, I just don't know what to say.
I was kind of hoping that she would be outside when we left the house so she would say something, but I still was searching for just the right response, so I guess it's better this way. I'm still thinking about it. I think that the best response to anything she would say would be, "Why does it have to be about you?" and then just get into my car.
I am so glad I'm going to be moving...

I've got to admit, it's getting better,

2005-04-13T01:04:00.000-05:00

a little better, all the time.

We took the kitty to the emergency vet on sunday, and they gave her subcutaneous fluids (since kitties don't do I.V.s) and gave her a shot to help settle her tummy and let her sleep. On the way home, her nictitating membrane (the white inner lid that comes over the eye from the inner corner) was already a quarter of the way out. She was fighting so hard to stay awake, poor darling. By the time we reached home, she INSISTED that she be put down so she could walk into the house. (Don't worry, she wears a harness and a leash when she's outside.) She stumbled into the house, leaning against every available wall. Luigi said she staggered into the bedroom and fell down under the bed and passed out. Poor kitty. We left and had dinner with some friends, and when we came home, she was awake and scratching at the bedroom door to be let out. As soon as we opened the door, she went straight to where her food and water should have been, and came back and gave us a look that said "god dammit, what did you do with it?" She was still walking kind of spraddle-legged, not her usual one-foot-straight-in-front-of-the-other grace. I forgot to pick up her cup in the bathroom (yes, she has her own cup of water in the bathroom. Did I never mention that she's spoiled?) and she was drinking before I remembered to pick it up. But she kept it down, and then when Luigi fed her, by hand, she was bititng his fingers. She's much better now, I expect her to be chasing Tony all over the place again very soon.

I've had surgery, been home, and slept a whole lot. The kitty has been keeping me company, which really isn't usual for her. But this morning she crawled under the covers between us.
Surgery was ok, I guess. I slept through it all, as they intended. When I woke up in the recovery room, I was distressed. All the stress finally had an unobstructed outlet, I guess. But I woke up some more, and my head cleared. I noticed the sound of another woman moaning, and without thinking, I responded to her. I was saying, "Don't worry, honey; it's ok; it will be allright" things like that. The nurses kind of giggled at me. One asked the other what was going on and they said I was nursing the lady next to me, and they just laughed that smiling laugh. I don't know why I did it, there was no thought to it, just a response to someone else's discomfort and distress.
When I can drive again, I will try to visit her in the hospital. 'Cause I said I would.

So there you go.

sometimes, I hate my life

2005-04-09T04:49:00.000-05:00

People with small children who can't communicate their needs, I know you feel me on this one.

The kitty is sick.
She threw up a lot yesterday, so we finally took her to the vet, even though we so don't have the money, only because Luigi's mom lent it to us. The trip cost us $122 and change, we got 4 different kinds of medicine, she got a shot, and she threw up again right after we got home. She's thrown up at least twice more since then, and she just ate a little, just now. I pray, seriously, that she can keep it down. I am so terrified that there is something really amazingly wrong with her. All the vet said was that it could be anything, since vomiting is pretty much the first sign for any illness in a cat. Thanks.
So I've been checking on her every so often, making sure she's still breathing; all I want to do is cuddle her and cry, but she's really not up for that right now. So I lie on the floor with her for a while, and then I go away and try to do something else.
This, on top of I'm having surgery on Monday.
And we have to move at the end of this month.
And we don't know where yet.
And there's not a lot of money to work with.
And there's a lot of people that want money from me.
And I'm supposed to start my period here soon.
And I need to get rid of like half of everything I own.
And Luigi's best friend had surgery on his neck yesterday.

There's more, but if I don't stop now I'm gonna cry all over the keyboard.

Yo

2005-04-05T13:48:00.000-05:00

Update:
the weekend following the last post, my left leg hurt so badly that I had to get up in the middle of the "night" (sleeping period, whatever) and walk around to try and alleviate the pain. It was like a cramp that just wouldn't let go. So monday I told the medical folks at work about it, and to cut to the chase, I have a herniated disk and am now scheduled for surgery on the 18th. I am on worker's compensation, I am not working, I have to move or stay here and pay more, I don't have enough money, I can't sleep for very long, bitch bitch bitch.

There you go. I am now tired of sitting.

hello, world

2005-03-06T04:41:00.000-06:00

I am still here, somewhere...

I just stopped having the desire to blog. I could blame it all on the post holiday stress, the readjusting to a normal work week and the fact that I threw my back out on Jan. 31 and could not sit long enough to type and then I just didn't feel like communicating with the rest of the world for a bit. I have been enjoying the staying quietly at home, with my Luigi, not having to go/be/do anywhere/anything.

My back is much better, thank you. I think the only lingering effect is that I have trained myself to fear/flinch at bending over. I'm working on it.

Luigi and I will soon be house hunting (apt. hunting) as we will soon reach the end of the lease here, and I would like to pay less in rent.

My sister is going to have to sell the house that she remodeled and turned into a beautiful, cozy little cottage. It was the saddest little house in the neighborhood when she bought it, and she and I are both sad she has to sell and I can't buy. So if anyone wonderful is looking for a small, gorgeous, cozy cottage in the downtown Tulsa area, let me know. But the new owners really should A) be great people and B)not plan on having kids.

My mom currently has a "touch of pneumonia". She sounds just a well as ever over the phone, but I do worry. As insane as I feel when I talk to /think about that woman, I do love her. I have to, she's my mother.

I can feel spring on it's way -- I just wish it would hurry.

I don't know if I will blog again to ask for readmittance to the blogring. We'll see.

2005-01-30T04:04:00.000-06:00

You scored as Musical/Rhythmic. You are sensitive to sounds in your environment, enjoy music and prefer listening to music when you study or read. You learn best through melody and music. People like you include singers, conductors, composers, and others who appreciate the various elements of music.

Musical/Rhythmic

89%

Verbal/Linguistic

75%

Visual/Spatial

57%

Intrapersonal

54%

Interpersonal

54%

Bodily/Kinesthetic

36%

Logical/Mathematical

29%

The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
created with QuizFarm.com

birthdays/age

2005-01-11T01:18:00.000-06:00

go and read Ninsi's blog post about her recent B-day. Then come back.

Ready?

I keep forgetting that she's just 1.5 years younger than me. I am so accustomed to leading my pack in the birthday category that I just tend to assume I've got at least 3 years on everybody.
Can I tell you how weird it is for me to realize that there are people I've known and been friends with for twenty years? Even fifteen gets me. It just doesn't seem that I should have known anyone for that long, much less to still know them and like them.
I agree that the odd numbered years are the ones that catch in the mind; I think it has something to do with the mental shape of them. They seem to have lots of corners and edges and pokey bits; whereas the even numbers feel rounded and slip away like nothing is happening. But that is not true. There is always something happening, whether the year is sharp or smooth. I struggle to remember this all the time and tend to fail more often than not. I, too, am experiencing the sharp clack, clack of the bioclock and the frustration of missed opportunities and squandered time. There is simply nothing to be done for it but to square our shoulders and keep going. 30 will arrive in its own time, as will 40, and then 50, and unless we all go up into a glowing cloud of radioactive politically driven bullshit at that time (or before then, for that matter) the rest will also follow in the designated fashion regardless of our desire, influence, hopes or ability, so we might as well just try to keep up.

anyway: so 25 was quite a year for me. When I was about 17, I think, maybe 16, I was having an immensely hard time of living. I was very depressed, and being a teenager lent a bit of melodrama to the scenario. I had a long talk with a good friend one night, and I told him that I didn't think I was going to live much longer. This, of course, frightened him and he made me promise that I would wait until I was at least 25. This not only gave me a few years to try and get my shit together, it would also allow me to see the turn of the millenium, which was fast approaching.
The year I turned 25, I was living with the Evil M/ Evil Ex, whatever you want to call him. And I remembered the promise I had made to my friend, those few years ago. And I was glad that I had made that promise, and I became determined to get the fuck out of that situation and keep on living. My mom told me in the fall of that year that my friend had been calling, and that he had stopped by to visit a couple of times. I knew that he remembered too. This only made me more firmly intentioned to achieve liberation from the hell I was in. And I did it. In the very end of that year, 2001, I managed to wrangle a situation that cut off the relationship and headed the Evil M back toward his end of the country and the fuck out of my life. He was gone by April of 2002, I moved back into my mom's house, and got in touch with my friend. He would come by and see me, and we would talk. I don't remember ever discussing the promise with him during that time, and I don't think it would have been necessary. If he thought I forgot, it was the same as if I remembered. I was still alive, and had learned a little bit about living and fighting for it.

Time has passed, and I have lost touch with my friend again. But that's ok. I know that he is out there, and I know that he knows how to find me through my mom. And even if the bizarre happens and I never see him again, it will be alright. I kept my promise, and he kept his. And even though I have had some really bad days since I passed the deadline (heh) I have gotten past those too. I now have someone in my life that I can cling to when it gets that bad. And I know that he will prop me up, defend me, put my socks on for me, whatever it takes. And I'll get through the next bad days that come, and the ones after that. It sounds so damn stupid and syrupy and trite, but all you can do it grit your teeth and keep going. Claire (from The Breakfast Club) said "Suicide is not an option." but the theme song to M*A*S*H says "but suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it as I choose." I believe this is more the right of it. Suicide is an option. Just not a really good one. And I've learned to leave it. My choice. My option. My life.

It's all about the Q

2005-01-08T20:30:00.000-06:00

I hate being sick. I caught some crap from Dr. Nick, and it sucks. Head drainage, sinus pressure, body ache... F'n flu. But there is a light in the fog, and Denis Leary said it best: "NyQuil NyQuil I love you, you giant fucking Q!" If you haven't seen his "No cure for cancer" stand up routine, go see it now. not suitable for children. anyway. I'm going back to the couch for another date with the GameCube, and then later I'm sure there will be more unconciousness.

Here's hoping that I'm well by the next post.

"end, begin, all the same.

2004-12-31T05:31:00.000-06:00

Big change. Sometimes good, sometimes bad." -- Augrah, The Dark Crystal

I love that movie.

Here we are, folks, at that point again. Humans are really into this boundary thing -- end, begin, here, there, mine yours theirs ours in out now then near far blah blah blah.

But it give us something to do.

So:

there are a few things about me that I am working on changing/learning/figuring out. I am seeing 30 on the horizon and moving fast. I am learing all about the anecdote that says you might as well do it now because if you don't, it won't get done, and you will be the same age if you do as if you don't.

Age.

I have become accustomed through most of my life to being the oldest in my social group. There are a couple of folks I hang around with that are older than me, but for the most part, I'm the elder. And now I am bearing down upon yet another landmark/milestone. I don't know how I feel about it, or should feel about it, or if I really ought to pay any attention to it at all.

Indecision.

A continuing trait throughout my life: the inability to make a decision. Or to stick with said decision, once made. I admire those folks who can come to a conclusion /pick something/ answer questions in a timely fashion and then make these things work for them. I have the horrible need to be right in my choices, even when there really is no right to be had.

Personality.

I have noticed that my Leo traits are beginning to truly blossom, now that I am much more secure in my self, my life; more safe. Mucho kudos to my best friend and dream guardian, Luigi. He has made a safe place in my life for me to really find out who and how I am and to be that person. I'm not really sure about some of the things about me, though.
Bossiness, for example. I am really becoming a pushy wench, and while I try to temper it with smiles and laughter, it doesn't change the fact. It's ok at work, I guess, because somebody has to lead/direct the team, point them in the right direction etc.; and they generally follow my direction. I don't have any more power than they do, nor even more responsiblity. I guess I just see it as a "somebody has to do it" situation, and as long as nobody complains I guess it works. What else:
I am more -- direct? Open? Public? Maybe comfortable. I am coming to grips with my physical self and being more relaxed about it. I'm not totally convinced that this is always a good thing. However, it could be that I am feeling my lack of sense of style -- this is affected distinctly by my lack of funding for wardrobe, I am sure. I have been ruled by my need to be comfortable instead of fashionable for years; now, I am doubting the wisdom of that trend and trying to make the twain meet.

Goals.

I am beginning to understand the idea of a career and a life plan. The question "where do you see yourself in five years" suddenly makes sense. I don't know that I actually have an answer yet (see "Indecision" above) but I get the point in it; I feel the movement of time.
So what do I want to do in my life?
Write.
Paint.
Maybe do the family thing; I'm not sure about that, it's pretty scary.
See the ocean again.
Own a house.
Make a cloak.
Sew a quilt.
Exercise more.
Get all those pictures scanned and/or into albums.
Write letters. Not email, but actual pen and paper letters. And regularly.
Keep a tidy and welcoming home. (Emphasis on the keep, there.)
There are many more, but I forget them on a regular basis.

Consistency.

I want to start doing a thing and continue it in a regular fashion. This applies to almost everything in my life right now. I am so terrible bad about beginning a thing and leaving off partway through.

I suppose that is more than enough for right now.

Happy New Year.

#100

Post # 99

2004-12-30T06:40:00.000-06:00

Ok.
Had dinner with some of the webring folks (see just about everyone else's blogs for details) and there were photos taken. Red has a couple posted if you want to see. Ninsi's engagment pendant is truly lovely, it was nice to meet Red in person, got to see Zero and girlfriend again (he looked and acted like he felt pretty good) also got to see the Squid, and I am so going to have to look for one of those hats. You can see it in the group shot on Red's page.
We were invited to go along to Shreveport for the NYE festivities, but we're not going to go, after all. Sorry folks.

That's about all I wanted to say right now. There's more for tomorrow.

get a clue

2004-12-20T04:40:00.000-06:00

It's damn near impossible to compete with the wedding noise; therefore, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

So:

hey, Phlome. (/Ninsi)

You want to know why nobody has voted for the April 4, 2006 option?
'Cause it's on a damn Tuesday. That's why. A Friday, yeah. A Saturday, woot.
but a Tuesday??

Come on.

Really.

Aside from that, I think early April is lovely. So, how about, like, April 7? 8? 14?

Think about it.

Advice dispensed, I return to the Legends of Symphonia, which is currently keeping me from my sleeping for the next few days. I really dig the game, but it's a bit of a bitch trying to run it without the manual. Sigh.

saturday mornings

2004-12-18T06:09:00.000-06:00

they used to be all about all the cereal you could eat (or get away with) and cartoons until the parents insisted you go outside or clean your room or whatever.

But now...
I don't like the cartoons that were on the last time I tried to watch them; and anymore I am still awake at the cartoon hour as opposed to getting up. And I don't really eat cereal anymore.

But I am thinking about ressurecting this ritual -- and if I don't like what is available on tv, I'll just have to find the old faithfuls -- on dvd, vhs, or downloaded, if necessary. I long for even the feeling of the more innocent times, when I didn't have demands for my time and money -- hell, when I didn't have money and it didn't matter one lick.

I just want to sit on the couch (yay, the couch! thanks again to M&W) and eat cereal or donuts or whatever and stare at the brightly colored pictures on the screen and run for the bathroom when a commercial interrupts in the third hour of watching. And after that, I may go back to bed.

what is/was your favorite cartoon?

"C-O-F-F-E-E,

2004-12-12T04:28:00.000-06:00

coffee is not for me..."
what a lie this has become. Granted, I only drink my own, probably crappy, brew; but when I drink it, I drink a lot of it. I'm drinking some right now. I wonder why it tastes so different when you reheat it?...
I also don't drink it straight. I doctor mine: the favorite trick is to add hot chocolate mix -- this is called "coffee of shitness" around here. We attribute this discovery to the Goat, but I would like to say that I have always added cappucino to my coffee when purchased at QuikTrip. (I love QT, btw. Just so you know.) But she was definetly the one who graced the concoction with the title "coffee of shitness" so I guess I'll let it stand.

I do wish the picture had shown up on the last quiz; I kind of liked it.

I need to change the quote under the title of this page -- any suggestions?
maybe I could put up a poll, if I got enough good ones. Otherwise, I have no burning indecisions I need remedied by the masses, thank you. I'm trying to quit.

if I were a Disney Princess...

2004-12-08T07:59:00.000-06:00

You Are Aurora! (A.K.A. Sleeping Beauty.)

Thoughtful and loving. Authority figures probably have been sheltering you all of your life. Thankfully you're a very tranquil person who is content with what life has given you, but secretly you want to know how the outside world works.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

wow and goddamn. don't you just hate it when some stupid piece of pop-pseudopsychology nails you?

just more mental crud.

2004-12-06T06:37:00.000-06:00

Ninsi said she was getting spam comments. So I went back through the old posts, just skimming, to see what the comments said. I found a couple that said there were more comments than there really were, don't know what's up with that, but no spam comments. huh.
I also noticed that the last post was #70.
Ick. I hate this week. It makes me feel restless.
However, I have been able to do things at my table lately, and as I have actually been accomplishing things, I feel very satisfied about it.
I have no quiz to post, no list, no jokes. I'm just tired right now. Run down. Battery low.
The Lady W and Lord M gave us their old couch. Luigi and Lord M carried it down the street and it was a sonovabitch getting it into the apartment because of the way the apt is laid out. But it is tremendously comfortable, and Danger Cat has already claimed one corner as hers.

ok, I'm done.

Tony

2004-12-04T14:38:00.000-06:00

Last Sun. we took in Dr. Nick's cat, Tony. He has another one, Mina, but she's gone to live with mom until he can get his own place.
The reason we took Tony is that Dr. Nick moved in with his friend J, and J's gf, K. K decided that she wanted her own cat, therefore Dr. Nick could not bring his. He wasn't happy about this, but that's not the story here.
So we get the cat.
You remember that we have a little cat ourselves, Danger Cat?
She was not happy.
Of course, that could have a bit to do with the fact that the first thing we did when we brought Tony in was to put flea drops on the necks of both cats, and that always makes her pissy. And then there's the whole "who is this in my territory" thing. We were prepared for a few fights, for lots of skulking and growling and hissing. Danger Cat did all the noise making. Tony just found a place to put his enormous ass and stayed there. He's solid black, long fur, yellow eyes. And so amazingly calm... Let me tell you, for such a small creature, she sure can make some big noises. Nowhere near as calm as Tony. But it's kind of hard to be that laid back...
She has gotten used to him, pretty much, and I'm sure the fact that he is so mellow and amazingly calm has a lot to do with it. She would growl and hiss at him, and he would just look at her -- or move. But he didn't really growl back, and he hasn't tried to take over. She told him that my drawing table was hers, goddamit, and he said ok then. The top of the chest by the window, the top of the drawers by the computer desk, and the computer desk itself -- these are his places. He wasn't nasty about it, at all, he just started hanging out there, and she didn't argue.
So today, after I get up off the floor where Luigi had made me a pallet in front of the fireplace, I go into the kitchen to make cinnamon rolls. (Mmmmm, cinnamon rolls....) Tony is having a bite to eat, and DC is sitting in front of the stove, behind him. She has taken to following him around, like she wants to play with him, but he won't really play. Of course, she is like 1/3 his size (no exaggeration.) and younger than he is. But last night, there was about 30 seconds of running chasing play going on. I'm thinking that by the time Dr. Nick comes to take Tony home, Tony and DC will be very good friends and she will be heartbroken when he leaves.

If I can catch them close enough together to get a picture, I will post it so you can see the size difference. But be warned -- Tony will probably just show up as a big black spot, maybe with some eyes in it.

ha ha!

2004-11-26T09:02:00.000-06:00

I snuck past the blogstapo and phlome -- I'm not booted from the webring, ha ha ha!
ok, I'll be good.

Guess what I did for Thanksgiving.
go on, guess.

Ready?

Nothing.
that's right, I did nothing. I stayed up until noon, then slept until seven. It was good. Since then, we have not left the apt, nor have we put on proper clothes. We have been grazing on the spiral cut ham that we bought at 4 am on Thurs. and extra sharp cheese and these rolls that came in one big wheel... it is good. Right now, Luigi is building a nice little fire in the fireplace, and I think we will just lie around, read some books, maybe sleep some more... this is my idea of a holiday. No stress, good grazing foods, just a call or two between family members. No dressing up, no stressful cooking frenzy, no having to be places or do things. Just relaxing.

And, just like everyone else:
What I am thankful for.

The ability to walk under my own power, without difficulty or pain. This is a great pleasure to me.
a decent job. not the best, but definetly not the worst.
good friends.
family.
Danger Cat.
My best friend, my boyfriend -- Luigi.
My storm-colored car, Fiona.
decent hair.
reasonably good skin.
Smarties.
Chocolate.
Margaritas.
graham crackers.
seasons.
Futurama.
Boondock Saints, etc...
Roe Vs. Wade
The right to assemble
Freedom of speech
internet access
my table! (oh, my table...)
pens and paper (mmm, office supplies....)
books and books and books
warm blankets
good socks
the extra weight I carry, which means that I have plenty of food all the time
clean, drinkable running water
the fact that as a woman, I can vote and work and hold my own money and property; continue in this vein...
good genes, that gave me a good strong body
chrysanthemums

I also think that if you haven't already, you should check out Red's page and the poem/list she has there. I think she's got it right.

ok, I guess that's enough for now. I'll try to get back to this later. Phlome, thanks for missing me this time around. I'll be good.

mmmmmm...

2004-11-18T05:27:00.000-06:00

yes! yes, ok, I'm posting!
before anyone gets their underwear in a wad, I'm posting.

rain, rain, rain, rain;
some that is like real rain rain and some that is good splattery sprinkling
not much sun, grey skies and cloudy
makes for good sleeping, which means it will stop all this once I get a chance to sleep.

working lots, thanks.
just got the biggest paycheck I've ever recieved to date. Love it; too damn bad it's all accounted for already (if I am good and pay things like I should.)

Not sure how I feel about the holidays being so frikken close, again;
not sure how I feel about not having the little sister here for stuff-your-face-and-fall-down day;
Not sure how I feel about much except more sleep, please, and lots more money for much less effort.

there you go. nice quick, short post.
If you're very very good, and I feel up to it, I may do it again in a much shorter amount of time than the last.

No, really --

2004-11-10T05:42:00.000-06:00

I seriously had like three things I was going to blog about, none of which I can remember now. And seriously, they were important/good topics. Damn.

So, here's some mental junk for you.

I have never been one of those girls that wears makeup or does stuff with their hair everyday. I don't even do it "often". It's random and rare, usually reserved for very special occasions or when I just damn feel like it. Because sometimes I do feel like it. My mother always insisted, and still does, that when you feel - crappy - you should do the following:
1. wash your face (or have a bath, depending on time and inclination. )
2. eat something.
3. have a nap.

Sometimes it also helps to brush the hair; I have noticed that on the weekends, if I don't brush my hair I just can't get into the day.
So there's the makeup thing. My oldest sister works for MK, not as a MK lady but she goes to Dallas twice a year for like a month to work the behind-the-scenes part of the big conventions where they give away the fur coats, diamond rings and pink Cadillacs. She always comes home with bags and shirts and other stuff -- along with, of course, the latest "product", as they say. Cleansers, lotions, lipstick eyeshadow blush perfume mascara -- whatever is new, this time around.
So I apparently always have the newest colors, the hippest product. And I don't wear any of it, really. I do love the little perfume pendant, and I like the perfume when it is dispensed one tiny drop at a time; but I recently sorted out my collection of makeup and I still have a huge quantity for someone that wears it erratically. And I'm never really sure what colors actually look good on me, or how to figure this out. Makeup is too expensive to just *buy* random articles, just to try. I'd rather spend the money on books, or pens and paper, or Cheetos or something...
I apparently also have good hair. I don't know about this. It's curly and wild and I would rather it be much less curly and much much smoother and softer and tamer. I would so prefer some cute, easily maintained/manicured housecat haircut to the wild lion mane that I have. Add to this the fact that I work in a factory, and therefore it is either braided or wound into a bun, and we have me wanting to shave my head. Again. It's something that I think about more the less I want to do things with my hair. All of my sisters -- and my mom, I do believe -- have shaved their heads at one point or another. And they all look great. I don't think I can pull it off. I guess I am just too feminine, if only in my own mind. I like to think that I am classy/classically beautiful; but again, it could easily be in my own mind.

OH!
THAT was one of the things I wanted to talk about.
Over the weekend, I got called "CUTE". I don't recall ever being "cute". I've been "pretty" often and for a long while. I am occasionally "beautiful", but it's hard to take seriously. I don't think I've ever been "gorgeous", but that also is incredibly hard to take seriously. But anyway--
I was at a party, and was outside on the back porch where all the smokers were, and The God of Biscuits, etc. made some comments about the way my family is about something, I forget what -- and I drew myself up and put my hands on my hips in preparation to defend my clan, and the Goat burst out with "(Sleepwalker), you are so CUTE!"
( wtf? )
I was totally distracted from my defensive posture.
(Cute?
Where the hell did that come from?)
I have since then been wrestling with this idea. Cute how? Why not sexy, of alluring, or - something, I don't know. Why cute?
I asked Luigi about this, and he said it was something about how I moved when I went from relaxed and neutral to (I thought) imperious and righteous. The phrase "impertinent and saucy wench" was used.
again:
wtf?
Did I miss something?
I asked him again, the next day, and he said it also had to do with the fact that everyone knew that I wasn't really mad, so it was cute.

I'm still not sure I get it.
I have absolutely no idea what the movement was that provoked this response. I do this often, making a noise or a gesture that is totally non-reproduceable but is apparently very entertaining to whoever I am with.

Ok.
I think that's probably enough crap for today.
We'll try it again later.

saturday.

2004-11-06T07:01:00.000-06:00

it is, again.

The nation has voted, the regime continues. I am sure that I don't have to say anything else, as you all feel me on this... and if you don't, then you don't want to hear it anyway.

Blech.

I'm down for moving to Mexico and building our own floating islands like that one guy did...

aside from that, the cold weather has arrived. The days are still kind of nice and warm, but the nights are becoming decidedly nippy.

And Christmas is sweeping the nation like a bad social disease. Thanksgiving isn't even "Christmas, part 1" anymore. It's more like a day of rest right before the madness truly begins.

By the way, before anyone tries to accuse me of being insensitive or uncaring about our poor Zero, let me just say that I do think about him every day, and I worry too, and if my opinion counted for anything, I would tell him to NOT get chemo, and go for the surgery thank you very much. but I haven't been asked, and as he plans to get second opinions, I guess all I can do is think about him just like the rest of you that can't reach him right now.
Good luck, man. You're on my worry list.

Ok.

Maybe someday I will dust off the soapbox and tell you exactly why I am so truly frightened about the next four years. But I don't have the strength or the time, and I can't guarantee that I would do a reasonable job.
Just remember that thanks to the "Patriot" Act, every (and I mean EVERY) phone in the country is subject to tapping, without notice or permission. That's right, folks; not just the public pay phones -- your home land lines and your private cell phones as well. Think about it. Good old Uncle Sam is turning into Big Brother Bush. Or maybe he already has.

Knats, I don't want any comments about the tone of my post. I can't do happy chirpy wacky right now, so deal. :P

Have a good weekend.

the tuesday usual

2004-11-02T06:17:00.000-06:00

just so you folks officially know, if you hadn't noticed, I tend to post on the mornings of Tuesday and Friday. This is because they are the ends of the first and last day of my work week. When I work overtime, it moves to Saturday morning.
Just so you know.
also:

NINSI. If you are going to invite me/us to ride down with you or do visity things WOULD YOU PLEASE CALL. Neither one of us checks the blog regularly, and therefore it is an unreliable way to transmit time-sensitive messages. Thank you very much, love you.

that goes for everyone else, as well.

just so you know.

ok.
Halloween:

we live in an apartment, and we were not expecting any trick-or-treaters, but we had one intrepid young vampire knock at the door. I should have given the kid a handfull of candy, but I didn't. we carved pumpkins, an activity I really enjoy, Luigi for the first time. I just don't understand how people can get so pissed off about it... anyway. I'm sure you all share my feelings on the subject, insert your own rant here.
I also cut out a bat shape out of black paper and put brown tissue behind it and put it over the light outside the door; I think it looks really cool. I guess I should take it down to save it.
It rained too much for good trick-or-treating; we went driving around the local neighborhood and only saw kids getting in and out of cars. No wandering hordes of "demonlings" or whatever, only SUVs with popstar wannabes and the store bought witch. It really made me want to get out there and go door to door myself, just for the experience and nostalgia and to show these poor bubble-children how it is to be done, really. Luigi and I decided that it's not really about the candy, honestly. The candy is the excuse for the stomping around in the dark with friends and sometimes family, the dressing up as something you would like to be or something that scares you; the candy is the excuse for the outing.
Think about it:
The real fun of Halloween is the costumes, the activities after darkfall, the people you troupe around with. It's why grownups go to Halloween parties: because it's as close to what we did as kids as we feel like we can get away with. It's why teenagers still go out, whether they go door to door or not: it's the out in the dark with the homies, playing. It's why kids are so excited about Halloween. It's the night you can try out being whatever you want to be, whoever you want to be; it's the night you can be the thing that scares you, and thereby cancel some of the power it has over you.
So maybe next year, I'll dress up as a kid, pretending to be a grown-up, and I'll go door to door with my plastic pumpkin and glowstick and my grinning, laughing, giggling, snickering friends; and we will be the spirit of Halloween past. We will haunt the streets with glee, and stick our tounges out at those who accuse us of being too old for this. They'll just be jealous that we are doing what they know they want to do also. And maybe we will invite them to join us. And maybe the next year they will. And maybe, just maybe, the neighborhood streets on Halloween will be as they should: full of kids of all ages having a damn good time with their friends in the dark. Life is too short, and gets shorter the older you get. So which will you choose: the trick, or the treat?